The Heart of Forgiveness
We dove into the role of anger and misconceptions about forgiveness. But what IS forgiveness?
Forgiveness:
a Spirit-empowered act of the will in which we relinquish our anger and vengeance towards the person who has wronged us. Forgiveness releases any debt that was owed us. In forgiving, we stop holding a person’s sin against them.
The choice to forgive doesn’t spring from any particular urge or itch to forgive. We almost never wake up in the morning finding ourselves “in the mood” to let go of someone else’s wrongdoing against us. It’s Jesus’ Spirit who makes this possible - we can “do all things through Christ who strengthens us” (Phil. 4:13).
We forgive because of the flood of mercy God offered us when we had rejected His love and goodness. We forgive because God asks it of us. We forgive even though everything inside of us may be screaming “no”.
As a faith-based counselor and as a human, I’ve noticed that one reason we choose not to forgive is because being angry makes us feel safe. It’s like a suit of armor we think will buffer us from danger and further risk. Our bitterness and endlessly replayed mental videos of the wrong doing make us feel less defenseless.
But, as my wise daddy says, each day we refuse to forgive is another day our heart remains callous, wounded, scarred, and unable to show God’s love to people.
Of course, the irony of forgiveness is that it’s not the offender that gets set free. It’s us. We regain our ability to walk in humility and give and receive love to the fullest.
In forgiving, then, we relinquish our own strength and internal defensive structures (aka, our anger), and we allow God’s strength to take over and handle the situation. By forgiving, we are letting the offender off our hook, not off God’s hook. God’s justice will still prevail. By forgiving, we hand the offender into the hands of God.
Layers of the Onion
When we decide to release our bitterness about a serious offense such as abuse, we may find it takes several rounds of forgiveness. It’s not always one and done. Why? Because new life stages and experiences can make us feel the hurt in a new way.
In my counseling work, I explain to clients that when they pass a milestone, such as hitting a new age, getting married, having children, becoming empty nesters, etc., the old wound may ache afresh. Once again, forgiveness is key. This is the way of serious offenses and trauma, and it’s God strength that fortifies us to peel back the layers of hurt like an onion, and forgive each new layer that is revealed to us.
Forgiveness in Action
In the Rwandan genocide, fear and hatred fomented into a grotesque, machete-wielding nightmare. Ethnic Hutus slaughtered Tutsis with no regard for age, gender, or whether these fellow countrymen had ever committed any crime. If anyone had a right to be angry and hold onto bitterness, it was the Tutsis. A mother’s beloved son was murdered by this man, whom she forgave by the power of God. Watch this powerful story and be inspired by the indomitable power of God’s love.
