Misconceptions about Forgiveness

As a Christian therapist, a rewarding piece of my work is guiding people through the murky waters of forgiving those who have committed harrowing offenses against themselves and their loved ones. Forgiveness is inseparable from our own healing process. Despite this, many misunderstand what forgiveness actually is, which throws roadblocks in the way of their willingness to forgive.

Misconceptions about Forgiveness

• "Forgiveness excuses or minimizes the offense."

No way! The very word "forgiveness" indicates that something disturbingly wrong occurred. Otherwise, we could overlook, distract ourselves, or hang out with people we like better, but we would not have any need to forgive. When we acknowledge that we are choosing to forgive, we are also making the wrongness of the offense official and explicit.

• "Forgiveness means forgetting."

While forgiveness does mean we willingly stop replaying the offensive scene in our minds like a bad video on re-run, it does not mean forgetting. We cannot trick our brains into erasing data. Sometimes we do not need this data anymore, and it fades with the years. Other times, we need this data in an ongoing way to make future decisions, such as setting boundaries with the person who committed the offense.

• "Forgiveness invalidates my ongoing hurt."

The fact that we have relinquished our anger and need for vengeance does not remove our right to our ongoing pain. And that pain is best held in community, in a collective of friends and loved ones who show care and bear witness to what we continue to suffer.

• "Forgiveness means I must let the offender back into my life."

Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. We are called to forgive anyone who sins against us, but reconciliation requires that the offender is still alive, accessible, and is a reasonably safe person. This is not always the case. Sometimes ongoing boundaries are necessary.

• "Forgiveness means the offender is getting off the hook."

Forgiveness may seem too good for the offender. Remember, we are only letting the offender off our own hook, not off of God's. God promises justice in the end. Romans 12:19 teaches, "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

Do you resonate with any of these misconceptions about forgiveness? Have any of them held you back from forgiveness that might set you free in your own life?

I am a Christian counselor in Treasure Valley, Idaho, available to walk with you through any complications related to forgiveness in your own life.