A Different Way to Think about Compatibility
Take Your Marriage's Pulse
Take a quick moment to assess the current state of your marriage. On a scale of 1 (terrible)-10 (terrific), how would you score these 10 areas:
Communication
Sexual intimacy
Spiritual intimacy
Emotional intimacy
Respect and trust
Conflict resolution
Friendship
Finances
Parenting
Negotiation of household tasks
Maximum score is 100 points. How did you do? Which areas are strong for your marriage, and which are weak?
You may notice that these 10 aspects of marriage can highlight ways we are different from our spouse. Many times, our hearts were originally drawn towards our partner because of their differences, which seemed exciting as we first got to know each other. But once we enter a lifelong commitment to this person and their differences begin to grind on us on a daily basis, frustration can set in. Instead of differences seeming exciting and full of potential, they can wear on us like a pair of shoes that doesn’t fit quite right.
The danger is that we will then begin to believe that we are incompatible with our spouse, and should never have gotten married in the first place.
Incompatibility vs. Attachment Style
If you and your spouse have not succeeded in finding connection in the midst of different personalities, my heart goes out to you. This is a lonely place to be.
Differences create stress in a marriage.
As your hope wanes, you may find yourself either intentionally distancing from your partner, or attacking them in ways that end up creating more distance. Some of us withdraw in our loneliness; creating a life apart from your spouse might seem like the last resort to keep from exploding in anger or succumbing to depression. Some of us attack in our loneliness; blaming and criticizing your partner may be your desperate way of trying to get through to them. The way each of us as individuals reacts to marital distress is called our attachment style.
Attachment styles have to do with our earliest experiences with our primary caregivers. If we learned early on that people are safe to run to for comfort and strength, then we developed a secure attachment. If we found our caregivers to be inconsistent in their ability to provide comfort, we may develop an anxious or avoidant attachment style. If we grew up in a home filled with abuse, we may have developed a disorganized attachment style.
When times get tough and joy leaves a marriage, it’s easy to come to the conclusion that you and your spouse just weren’t compatible. In your darkest nights, maybe the ugly "D" word Divorce even crosses your mind.
Truly, differences create stress in a marriage. But what I would like to propose is that this stress does not necessarily signify fundamental incompatibility. Rather, it presents an opportunity for new growth and enhanced connection skills.
Is it possible that the loneliness in your marriage isn’t the result of your differences at all? But rather the result of maladjusted relational patterns that keep you from using your differences to fuel connection?
I hope you will open your mind just a little bit to the idea that maybe you and your spouse are capable of greatness together, but you have lost your way, rather like dancers trying to step in time to two different songs, a cacophony which has caused you to step all over each other's feet, getting twisted in knots, and elbowing each other til both of you are bruised and tired.
The reason many marriages languish is because of an insecure attachment style between spouses.
Making your marriage satisfying is about developing the right kind of connection with your partner. Even a husband and wife who are dramatically different as people can often learn to develop a tender bond. Once this “secure attachment” exists in your marriage, working through specific issues tends to happen with greater ease, and without the loneliness and heartbreak. Conflicts are much more easily resolved when a secure bond of safety and trust enables heart-to-heart communication.
So how can you rediscover friendship, tenderness, and even passion in your marriage? If you are profoundly different from your spouse, is deep connetion even possible? If you are ready to get your hands dirty and work on building a marriage that is deeply satisfying and brings joy to God's heart, let’s get down to the nitty gritty. Please give me a call and let’s work on building a secure attachment bond within your marriage.
